March 1
March marks my third month in Portland, and I still haven't felt that urge to get up and leave...which I'm taking as good news, but I'm still mapping out a trip out east nonetheless. Because while I actually feel comfortable here, I don't like the fact that I haven't seen as much as I'd like and that I haven't just taken a day off to go explore everything around me.

It was easier in New York, I guess. Even with family and friends there, I always had the desire to go, go, go — but here? I don't know what it is, but I always feel something keeping me here when I think about where I'll be tomorrow, or next week, or when this lease ends in June. Somehow, that's even kept me from adventuring outside of the city limits, and I need to change that.

So I have the day off and I'm heading out to Mount Hood tomorrow.

Just the forest, not the actual mountain. I constantly have Jack's voice in the back of my mind, talking about shit like avalanche training, but I still plan to see the rest of it. I think it'll be good for me — allow me to get outside, do something besides eat and work and sleep and drink — and it's close enough to be doable but far enough away that it feels like a real adventure.

I still haven't figured out if I'm going to ask Jack to come with me. It's a work day, for one, so I'm sure he'd say no anyway...but even then, I'm trying to convince myself it's better if I go alone. Take a day for myself. I've been spending all my time with him as it is, and I don't need him to get sick of me just yet.

Even though I want him to go I don't actually know what I want, and I suppose that's the problem — and I suppose that's why I want to spend a day somewhere else. If Ellie were here, she'd either strangle me or hug me and I'm really not sure which I'd prefer at this point. But she's 3,000 miles away and even though she gives great advice over the phone, it's nothing compared to having her here physically. Which I don't get for another two months, so I have to suffer in silence.

I'd take Farrah, too, but she's so busy with buying a house and figuring out her life that I can't even dream of bothering her with my bullshit. I know it gets exhausting and it's hard to keep up with every new thing, and maybe I just need friends in Portland, or maybe I just need this day trip to the woods, or maybe I need to figure my shit out.

Maybe I need all three. I'll start with the trip.